Navigating Care - Stay in the Driver’s Seat as You Age

As one ages, it is important to think about and plan for the future including a situation where you may not be able to remain fully independent. This is not a fun “what if” scenario, in terms of planning, but it is one deserving your attention. If you have children, you may think you are off the hook because they will care for you or figure it out if you are unable to. Wisdom gleaned from those who have been through it before; however, dictates you should take the opposite approach – spend the time thinking about what you’d like to happen and the steps to help you get there. Planning ahead will help ensure your wishes are followed and you are not inadvertently putting a huge responsibility, and possibly stress (financial or emotional), on your children.

Playing it by ear is not recommended when it comes to planning for our needs as we age. If you don’t know where to start, you can begin by having discussions with your client centric team at Greenleaf Trust or your estate planning attorney. We help clients navigate these decisions and we are here to help. We have also seen how difficult it can be to find exactly what you are looking for if something unexpected happens and your need becomes immediate. We’ve all heard the saying “beggars can’t be choosers” and when it comes to finding in-home care, independent living, or assisted-living facilities it is not uncommon for wait times to be over two years, so your options may be very limited.

Proactive planning for your future allows you to remain in the driver’s seat. You will have the luxury of time because you are in the planning and exploring phase versus the “oh no, we need something right now” emergency phase. You will be able to research the options available and schedule tours if you’d like to visit various communities in person, if you are considering eventually making a move.

There is beauty in planning not only for yourself but also to protect your children from suddenly being responsible to figure everything out if you are unable to participate in a meaningful way. When you actively plan for your future rather than relying solely on your adult children to ensure your future comfort, dignity and care in later life, you can stay in the driver’s seat (albeit, maybe only figuratively).

While it is natural for families to support one another, the role reversal of the child being responsible for a parent’s care very often results in unnecessary stress for the adult child. Where there was once a societal norm/assumption that adult children would care for their aging parents, now exists the understanding that adult children have their own lives and responsibilities. While some may voluntarily step into the caregiver role, it is not feasible for everyone. Unexpectedly having to be the sole caregiver for aging parents could create tension for an adult child in a variety of ways: it could take them away from caring for their children, they may have to miss work, they may spend less time on things they enjoy, they may potentially feel guilt or shame for not doing enough. Most parents naturally want to help our children, not be the source of strain or pressure in their everyday life. By continuing to plan for your future, you will allow your adult child to maintain their autonomy and be able to provide support in other ways, with their focus being on your relationship instead of the logistics of your care.

Your thoughtful preparation demonstrates care for the entire family’s well-being, fosters open communication, and helps preserve the parent-child relationship based on love and respect rather than obligation and emergent need. Ultimately, this planning empowers you to maintain control over your life while providing peace of mind to your loved ones.