Dividing Personal Property Without Dividing the Family

The holiday season often includes joyous gatherings with friends, perhaps co-workers and, with whom we most anticipate, family. We may look forward to meeting a daughter’s fiancé for the first time, hearing about a grandson’s progress in graduate school and perhaps the joyful announcement of a soon-to-be new addition to the family. There will be cooking and eating, gifts may be exchanged and there will certainly be conversations – the latest league standings, the state of the economy and who gets grandma’s yellow pie plate when she is gone.

Wait, what? Well, why not? While disagreements over who gets the family heirlooms can sometimes divide families, it may still be safer conversation than comparing political views. The holiday season is unique in that people are often contemplating their lives (i.e. reviewing the past year and looking forward to a new one) and very much engaged in the business of purchasing, giving and receiving gifts. It is only natural during the quiet moments to include some consideration of all the stuff you have already accumulated over the years.

What is valuable? Does anyone want it? How should I decide who gets what? Every item of personal property you own will end up somewhere after you die – with family or charity, sold through an estate sale or (and, yes, it happens) in the dumpster. You may as well be the one who decides what happens to it all.

The biggest concern people have when deciding who gets their personal property after they die is the potential for family conflict and damaged relationships. That is why we encourage planning long before an unexpected event forces you into a hasty decision or excludes you entirely from the process.

The following are some important factors to consider when determining how to give away personal property.

The emotional value of an object can often outweigh the actual value (think of an old, worn book that was read to children at bedtime, dad’s hat collection or a hand-sewn quilt by great-grandma).

Objects are not as easily divided as cash or other liquid assets (what if there is only one antique kitchen table that crossed the Atlantic with grandpa from Poland in 1923?).

The possible recipients can be broader than just your children (should your favorite rifle go to the friend with whom you have hunted for years? Is your grandson the only one in the family who enjoys stamp collecting as much as you?).

Fortunately, there are several steps you can take to arrange things in order to avoid possible issues when the time eventually arrives to divide your personal property.

Know the value of your possessions.

Not everything, of course, but if you own items of some modest or high worth, get an appraisal. If one child receives the $20,000 Rolex Submariner, for example, the others can be compensated accordingly with other assets. An appraisal may also be useful for tax purposes (for annual gifting or for estate valuation).

Consider giving it away during your lifetime.

Keeping in mind the annual exclusion amount of $19,000 per person (for 2025 and 2026), giving away items of value during life can be rewarding. You can be certain that the people receiving it are the most deserving or appreciative, you move the object out of your home and your estate and you may receive satisfaction when giving things directly to others.

Make a list and be specific.

Create a “Personal Property Memorandum” that is to be followed at your death and is attached to and incorporated by reference to your will or trust. This memo, signed and dated, can cover each personal item you own but can also be limited to those that might lead to disagreements among your heirs. The benefit of a memo is that it can easily be changed if you sell something, give it away during life or change your mind about who should receive it after you’re gone. The most recent dated version will be the one that is binding.

If you do create a formal memo, it will override any other written or verbal direction you may have given. An email (or whispered promise) to someone stating that “they will get the ceramic dog collection when you’re gone” is not sufficient to overcome your legally declared wishes.

Be specific with any item descriptions or, better yet, take pictures or include a video. If you indicate that your granddaughter should receive your pearl earrings and you have three sets, there may be confusion as to which one she should get.

Choose a method of distribution.

There will undoubtedly be items that are not specifically listed for distribution. Often, the remaining personal property is to be divided among the heirs equally. How is that to be accomplished? Does the oldest choose first and then in descending order? Does the youngest get to select twice before the order snakes back to the oldest? Should you, instead, employ an auction method where each potential heir is assigned a set amount of points (or Monopoly money) to use in open bidding? Whatever method you prefer, make sure your intentions are clear in your estate documents.

Communicate.

Above all else and wherever possible, communicate your desires to those who will be involved with the property distribution process – your heirs (including your spouse), your attorney and any charities or friends who may receive items from your estate. A hastily scrawled list alone may not be sufficient to avoid disagreements amongst your heirs. Be sure to write it, share it, and, where appropriate, discuss it. George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Inevitably, all of your personal property will be distributed when you are gone. Since emotions can run high during family events such as the death of a loved one, you can mitigate potential concerns and disagreements by establishing and communicating your plan before you die.

If you would like a useful reference guide for deciding how to distribute your personal property, there actually is a workbook from 1998 entitled Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate by the University of Minnesota Extension Service. It is still referenced today and is easily found and ordered online.